Friday June 18th 2553. Trip to the ancient city Ayutthaya and some somber reflection in the presence of a great work..

See all my pictures here.


Dream big son, you can do anything if you put your mind to it. This! the American, and pretty much strictly the American way of thought, that a parent, usually unsatisfied with where they have ended up in life, tells their child. Is this the hope that their kids do better for them selves then they did and is this their yearning to live vicariously through them and their experiences? How many times are these high soaring dreams, like Icarus' wings, not up to the blazing-hot sun of everyday reality and as the fall back to earth hurts, it hurts that much worse because of the magnitude of this dream big nation and the disappointment in not making it after putting your mind to it.

"Gray skies are just clouds passing over." - Duke Ellington (Chosen because in the grand scope of time any failure or low point pass as quickly as clouds move over head or for that matter.. a musician passing through town.)

This past weekend I visited the original capitol of Siam and the ancient city of Ayutthaya.

*Side note - Small history: Ayutthaya was a Siamese kingdom that existed from 1351 to 1767. Ayutthaya was friendly towards foreign traders, including the Chinese, Vietnamese, Indians, Japanese and Persians, and later the Portuguese, Spanish, Dutch and French, permitting them to set up villages outside the city walls. In the sixteenth century, it was described by foreign traders as one of the biggest and wealthiest cities in the East. The court of King Narai (1656–1688) had strong links with that of King Louis XIV of France, whose ambassadors compared the city in size and wealth to Paris.
According to foreign accounts, Ayutthaya was officially known as Siam, but many sources also say that the people of Ayutthaya called themselves Tai, and their kingdom Krung Tai or 'the Kingdom of the Tais'.

So on our drive there, we got lost as usual. It seems to me that Thai people have a very hard time getting/giving exact information on a daily basis.. for example... Zach and I want to move to better apartments, we asked his employers for the addresses to some places. We were givin a print out off of googlemaps with buildings circled and ex'd and told, "Oh yeah, vely easy, wite by da BTS twain, maybe 200 meetuhs, just thry"... I laugh every time I hear this because "I don't know, maybe, Try, Try" seems to be the way people here live day to day. Even something in repetition like walking the same street and taking the same train every day, is a new adventure to a Thai person. Its almost as if they have erased every memory/experience from the day before. This is amazingly great in some ways and highly annoying in others.

"Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today." Bill Murray in Groundhog day (Chosen because sometimes I feel like I am in that movie around here.)

So we first saw the summer palace of one of the kings called Bang Pa In, I believe it was King Chulalongkorn (Rama V). He is considered one of the greatest kings of Siam. His reign was characterized by the modernization of Siam and all his reforms were dedicated to Siam’s insurance of survival in the midst of Western colonialism, so that Chulalongkorn earned the epithet Phra Piya Maharat or "The Great Beloved King". He was very much into European architecture and art and furniture. I cant even imagine the process of getting a heavy wooden dresser or couch from France to Thailand in a time before trains or even any roads suitable for mass cargo.... Upon meandering aimlessly around the gardens I saw a very odd sculpture sitting by its self in the garden. It was a very creepy statue carved of white stone featuring children and a woman. It was surrounded by planted flowering lotus plants (Lotus flowers In the minds of the Buddhists, stands for purity of spirit. Rooting in mud, the plant is able to rise up above the dirty water and yield a flower of such perfect beauty and purity). . Jeab, our Thai friend and this days tour guide, told me about it. She said it was Queen Sunanda Kumariratana. The Queen was a much loved wife and first queen of King Rama V. Unfortunately, she died at just 19 years of age, while pregnant, from drowning. The Queen was on her way to Bang Pa-in Summer Palace, on the Chao Praya River, when her boat sank. The old Siamese customs prevented anyone from touching the queen except for the king, making it quite impossible to save the young queen. Her only daughter, Princess Karnabhorn Bejraratana, nearly 2 years old, died with her. The king was very sad about this and made a statue to honor them. I think that this king had 22 wives and out of all 22 of them, this one, his favorite, his love, had to be the one to die. What a strange strange world it is.

"Happy trails to you, until we meet again. Some trails are happy ones, Others are blue.It's the way you ride the trail that counts, Here's a happy one for you." - Dale Evans (Quote chosen in personal empathetic sentiment in which only my brother and sister will know as we shared it together. On the night that our dad died, all three of us want to a friend bar called Jugheads. A little hole in the wall rock and roll bar that Sean and I had played at many times and got to know the owner. They had karaoke going. I don't remember who put the song in for us but it was "Happy trails to you" the Roy Rogers version and as we all sang this song, Sean, Kenzie and I, crying, I realized that, that moment was goodbye. Tanya brought shots.)

I left the summer palace deep in thought about love, how it comes about, how it has come to me in my life, how I've lost it in my life, where and who it has come from, why it comes to me and why I, at what ever time, am able to receive it. At my age of 31 I think I have experienced a lot of love. Love in many different formats. The unconditional love by family and certain friends, momentary time love by friends and acquaintances, late night "I love you man" love while out with people maybe friends maybe we just met, get you through the hard times love, romantic love that comes with adventures and new experiences, exciting lustful one night stand love, the love of many fans of my music, the multifaceted love from different women in short and long relationships and the love that I am missing so bad right now, the comfortable, knowing love of a long time partner, friend, lover, potential mother, woman, sidekick, lady, buddy, everything.. The yin to my yang, the person that helps to describe how our polar energy or seemingly contrary forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world in which we live and how we give rise to each other in turn.

What is love and how has it happened to me? Every time I have "ended up" (key words) in a long relationship in which I "loved" a girl it was at a time when I wasn't looking for a girl, I wasn't hurt by a girl, I wasn't still thinking of any girl, I was just having fun being WHO I AM and suddenly I was paired, by chance, with someone that I just kept hanging out with. I didn't choose them, they were just another in a sequence of fun friends/romances that stuck. So here is where I think love fits in. Love could be with anybody. It all just depends on the time that you are open to it. Like when I met my last girlfriend, I had no plan for us to be together so long or to have such a lasting burning love, it just happened because at the time I was open to accept someone for who they were with out reservation. I could be way off, but those are my thoughts for now.

"It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself.” Unknown (Chosen for us all, the people in the process of finding "me" again after living for so long as "we")

The ancient city. Walking around these great mounds of thin stacked red bricks and giant black stones that have lasted for centuries brings a silence to our group. All this done by hand, my thousands of hands. Hours of physical labor without any automated help. These sights and the smells, of the moist dirt bring so many thoughts about this places history. Not the history of who won wars and who was king etc but the history and the lives of the people that had walked these grounds over so many centuries. What were they thinking as they watched the sun set and spread its golden warmth over these structures creating an almost golden hue to them. It was peaceful and quiet and every breeze was met with a thankful breath and a satisfied smile. Were there people just like me, standing in this same spot hundreds of years ago, looking up at the tops of the pagodas and thinking of their past and their futures being equally confused at how they want to approach the world and leave their legacy? Did they also feel on the edge of something great and big but not know how to begin to shine?

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle." - Lewis Carroll (Quote chosen not just for my personal similar thoughts but for the personality and creation of the man that originated it)

Brick upon bricks, topped by majestic hand carved stone Buddhas, it was a maze of eloquence and mystery. With every antiquated hall and shady turn I met a repetition of silent Buddhas rampaged by the Burmese who burned and destroyed the libraries and robbed the cities treasury. I think of the commoners. People just trying to live their lives when soldiers beat down their doors killed the men, stole their possessions and rape and enslave the women and children that could not run away. I cant help but think of the north Vietnamese when Americans came. There are so many pictures of them running in fear clutching their children with pain and confusion on their faces. I also think of all the young American soldiers and the weight on their minds as they were shipped off not know what or really why they were fighting and taking the casualties. I remember talking to someone about Iraq, Afghanistan, the middle east in general and them thinking as if all the killing and attacks on each other and suffering under terrible regimes was only happening to other creatures. Creatures who lived in filthy huts that didn't have the capacity to really think like humans. Creatures who just kind of live and grow and act. As if these creatures didn't have moms and dads, hopes and dreams, as if they were not people. Its times like this when you wish you didn't know anything.

"He who makes a beast of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man." - Samuel Johnson (Quote chosen for an homage to some personal experiences)

After leaving the last ruin, which I might add was the best ruin because you could actually climb the tiny, steep, awkward steps to the top and go inside and smell the urine, moist stone, see the shrine and look up at the bats squeaking and flapping as it was about time to enter the night, we all drove in silence. I think partially in thought and partially being tired from all the outdoor adventure in the heat. Even Jeab was tired and quiet and she is Thai, so I knew it was hotter then usual. We opted to go to an air-conditioned attraction called Wat Phanan Choeng. Wat Phanan Choeng houses an immense seated bronze Buddha which was made in 1324 CE (Common Era ie.. Before Christ) The statue is 19 meters (62 feet) high and it survived the destruction of Ayutthaya by the Burmese in 1767 CE. It was quite amazing that people built this so long ago and it wasn't destroyed. Millions of small Buddha destroyed and stolen but this massive one untouched. The entire temple was filled with many variations of Buddhas of different materials and baskets of saffron robes to be used by monks and in blessings. The christian god would die in jealousy of its sheer size and radiating gold sheen if he saw this! ha ha ha! Kidding kidding! I hope I don't go to hell for that joke. I guess it depends if it is the God of the old or the new testament...

“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments." - Exodus 20:2-17

....and once again I have consumed a lot of digital writing space and maybe too much of your time. I ended the night by having some delicious river prawn topped in what Grandma calls "Crab Butter". Besides the little darker then mustard color, it was actually quite good. Then again, we were starving, a rotting durian fruit would have been good. Tired.. oh sooo tired, we returned home.

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Love as always. Tha R